


Once Upon a Time: The Bard

by tklivory



Series: Fractured Thedas Tales [4]
Category: Dragon Age
Genre: Angst and Humor, Fractured Fairy Tale
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-12-09
Updated: 2011-12-09
Packaged: 2017-10-27 02:47:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 580
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/290821
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tklivory/pseuds/tklivory
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Having written a short piece in honor of the late Hero of Fereldan, Leliana asks King Alistair and Queen Anora to allow her to arrange a musical faire in his honor. They agree, much to her later chagrin. In this piece, Leliana herself is the Master of Ceremonies.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Once Upon a Time: The Bard

**Author's Note:**

> For a slight change: this starts silly but doesn't stay that way... There be filks ahead! (list of songs at the bottom)

Welcome to the _Once Upon a Time_ Musical Faire! I'm very pleased to see so many families of Denerim here to support this new endeavor. We have a lot of participants who have signed up for this event, so to make sure that everyone gets a chance to perform the pieces they've worked so hard on, let's get started without any further delay.

First to the stage I'd like to welcome my dear frie—well, former traveling companion. Please welcome Oghren!

 

 _There was a bard who had red hair  
E-I-E-I-Oooooh!  
And on her back she had a bow  
E-I-E-I-Oooooh!  
With an arrow here, and an arrow there,  
Here a death, there a death, everywhere a— _*uuurp* _*_ thud*

 

Um, yes, thank you, Oghren. That was…typical. Can someone please help get him off the stage? And make sure he's not left near any open flames, just to be safe.

And now, it's my pleasure to introduce everyone's favorite apostate, Anders! I'm so grateful you could join us so soon after becoming a Grey Warden. He has a lovely tenor, so please, remain quiet during his performance.

 

 _Somewhere inside the Chantry, where truth dies,  
There's a bard that I heard once, singing a bunch of lies,_

 _Somewhere inside the Chantry, where she prayed,  
She had dreams that she dared to dream where she got la—_

 

Wonderful, excellent, moving on, moving on! Next up is the much-renowned rouser of the Alienage, Shianni! Take it away, Shianni!

 

 _Strum, strum, strum your lute  
Gently with your pick  
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,  
Shems are all such pri—_

 

Thank you, Shianni! That certainly was… incredible. And now, please welcome my dear friend, Zevran Arainai!

 

 _When you call upon a bard,  
Makes no difference who you are  
Anything your cash can buy,  
She'll do for you_

 _If your plans require a death_   
_No request is too extreme_   
_When you call upon a bard_   
_As nobles do_

 

Wonderful-thank-you-please-get-off-the-stage.

Well, that's unfortunate, it looks like all our other performers are unable to perform their pieces. _I said, it looks like all our other performers are unable to perform their pieces._ *draws daggers* Any objections? Oh, Shale, you wish to— Well, fine, as long as it is quick. *sheathes daggers*

 

 _There once was a bard from Orlais  
Who journeyed with Wardens of Grey  
Her shoes were quite pretty  
Thus it is such a pity  
That she never was good in the ha—_

 

That's not even a song! I don't care if you _are_ made of rock, _**get off the stage**._

All right, that's it! This was supposed to celebrate the life of the Hero of Fereldan, and by damn, you are all going to listen to _real_ music and understand what truly happened.

 

 _Once upon a time, a girl with sorrow in her eyes  
Found some peace and rest and prayed to ease her soul  
But that was once upon a time, oh so long ago_

 _Once upon a time, she dreamed of darkness o'er the land  
Rousing from her sleep, she left to fight the spawn  
But that was once upon a time, now the spawn are gone_

 _Then the girl with fire in her hair  
Grew to love the Hero and found the answer to her prayer  
They were young and didn't have a care  
Where did it go?_

 _Once upon a time Fereldan almost met its end_   
_'Til a Hero strong gave up his life, and then…_   
_But somehow once upon a time cannot come again_

 

The End

**Author's Note:**

> Tunes used for filks above:
> 
> Oghren – Old MacDonald Had a Farm
> 
> Anders – Somewhere Over the Rainbow
> 
> Shianni – Row, Row, Row Your Boat
> 
> Zevran – When You Wish Upon a Star
> 
> Shale – generic limerick (no song)
> 
> Leliana – Once Upon a Time (check out YouTube for an example, I used Tony Bennett's version for inspiration)
> 
>  
> 
> This is very different from the previous pieces, but I wanted to make sure that Leliana got a more musical treatment, and I just can't imagine her singing to the tune of "Gilligan's Island" or something.


End file.
